I don't like Chinese or Indian takeaways, the only takeaway I can stomach is Pizza. Since the last time I ordered a pizza was back when I was at University I thought that it was about time I 'got me some carbs'. I had a Pizza Hut Cheesy bites meat feast, Crunch chicken and Potato wedges... It was rank. The pizza was ok but the side orders were horrid. Completely devoid of flavor , I was half wondering if it really was chicken or some limp greasy Soya based rubbish.

After eating it I felt dirty, the kind of dirty scrubbing can't wash. I vowed never again to order from Pizza Hut.

It got me thinking what's the worst takeaway you can get? So I turned to Google: An American chain "Outback Steakhouse" sells a dish called Cheesy Fries. 1 single portion (and bear in mind this is a side order) contains 2900 calories!

FAT BUGGERS!

I recently got told by a friend, having children will seriously increase your carbon footprint.

The more children you have, the greater the strain you put on the earths resources. I researched the idea a little and one of the main ambassadors appears to be Chris Rapley of the Science Museum. Science chief: cut birthrate to save Earth

Here are 2 reasons Chris Rapley is talking nonsense:

1. Having a child doesn’t necessarily increase the strain on global resources. Pol Pot the former leader of the Khmer rouge order 750,000 people to their death during his leadership of Cambodia. Therefore his parents actually managed to decrease substantially the strain on natural resources, particularly in Cambodia.
2. If we consider that to be a genius your IQ  has to be in the 99.994th percentile, then that means there are currently 36000 geniuses in the world. If there are 10 billion people we'd have 60000 geniuses. That means we could solve the problem of global warming through technical advances twice as fast.

Therefore I’d suggest the more people there are on the planet the better the chances we have of solving Global Warming. The theory that C02 will increase in 50 years is floored in the same way the theory in the 1950s that the smog in London would be twice as bad in 50 years; because it assumes all of the variables are going to remain the same.

What do you think? Are humans bad for the environment?

There comes a point in every man’s life when he decides he’s going to brake tradition, he’s going to stand up and be counted, he’s going to go against what society thinks is acceptable, he’s going to rap.

For the white British Male this is a particularly difficult thing to pull off.

He’s probably just watched 8 mile and thinks “Well if I can sing along to Eminem I could totally flow”. He grips the mike (A can of lynx) and begins “Hey Diddle diddle, I wish I wouldn’t piddle. I hit a mo fo then I learnt to riddle.” …Hmmmmm needs some work.

Luckily after about a week of exploring the difficulties of growing up in a 3 bedroom semi through cliché similes and a fake American accent, the phase passes. Most men realise, rap is a complicated art, much like playing an instrument, it’s something that takes years to perfect; starting out with an accent tainted by 3 years of elocution lessons isn’t going to help the cause. The can of lynx is placed firmly back on the table and the idea of becoming the UK’s first white rap superstar is put on the heap of whimsical dreams along with the juggling balls, snowboarding jacket and an unused unicycle.

That paragraph sounded distinctively autobiographic, but you’ll be glad to know that’s not my experience of rap music. My dream to be a rapper was born and then crushed when I was far younger. When I was 12 I’d listen to bootleg tapes of the Fresh price and Jazzy Jeff, I’d write the lyrics down and then present the work as my own to girls in my French Class. Now, I’m not quite sure why no one asked why I was writing so much about Philadelphia and my miss spent youth on basketball courts, but some how I got away with it.

My memory of events surrounding my brief HipHop career is ropey to say the least, but I do recall being asked to perform at a friend’s party. Now bear in mind, I had no idea what I was doing, I had no backing music and I hadn’t actually committed any of this work to memory, but that didn’t stop me, I accepted the invitation with glee.

Come the night, I was nervous, I hadn’t bothered to learn anything and I hadn’t rehearsed. I’d borrowed a Mic that worked as long as you spoke really close to it and on the left hand side. With 2 hours to go until the big performance I racked my brains trying to think of a way out… then it hit me. I’ll cover my face in paints and pretend I was too drunk to perform.

Now you maybe are thinking; why would you do that and in hindsight it’s a question I should have been asking myself. No one (me included) truly understood why I’d camouflaged my face, all it managed to archive was an awkward entrance and so I decided I'd best wipe it off. After that interesting entrance I made my way to the living room, I gulped and went to plug in… Imagine my elation when I realised that their HiFi didn’t have the correct plug for my microphone… I haven’t touched a microphone or claimed I could rap since and I think the world is a better place for it.

Saying that, there are some good UK rappers out there, have a listen to the song Jessica and tell me what you think about it. .http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=53106038

What is it with me everytime an Iphone Advert comes on TV I get all pissed off! And I'm not sure why, I'm not sure why I hate Iphones so much but I really, really do. I also hate Macs and I think the resentment stems from this hate. The real root though isn't the computer, the computer works great, it also looks good the real problem is the smug mac users that want to tell you, every wakening second, how great their mac is.

It Just works! That's what were told by Mac enthusiasts... but so does my PC I tell them... I haven't seen a blue screen of death for over 2 years and if your PC does crash it's probably because it's ancient or was put together by your dads fat mate in his porn shed.

It's just so much more secure. No its not! IE7 is only unsecure when idiots choose to download their security update patches from porn sites! Oh what's that popup obscuring this depraved porno! It's telling me my computer is at risk! Thank god they highlighted the warning message in red and made it flash other wise I'd be surfing the Internet un protected!